We got home from Washington on Monday morning at 2:00 AM.
A little shy of three days.
Monday at work was a blurrrrr.
I hope I didn't make any important decisions.
Tuesday was typical.
Employee issues.
I often refer to my job as adult day care.
I sat and listened to a good employee explain how stressful his job had been lately, and thought, "what a whiner". I wondered if he had even the slightest inkling of an idea about what real stress is.
I so much wanted to tell him that all he realy needed to do on a weekly basis is show up, do his job, and collect his check.
He had no idea that I was suffering from serious jet lag, and I wanted nothing more than to tell him to stop bitching and get out of my face before I came around the desk and grabbed him by his throat and chocked the stress out of him.
But suddenly a vision of the HR manager popped into my head, and I sat there and stared at him, not hearing a word he was saying.
I did what any manager would do, and told him how much I appreciated his efforts, and that things would be better. I've received many heart warming emails from friends and acquaintances since we got home from WA.
I've spent every evening reading, and responding.
I've spent a lot of time letting out the pent up anxiety. sometimes ranting, sometimes quiety and sometimes openly weeping.
I grew up with a step father who showed his emotions only on the night that his mother passed away.
And so I never knew how to show my emotions.
Or even that it was alright.
It's all new to my wife, and quite upsetting for her I'm sure.
She is a sweet heart, and the love of my life.
Tonight she made the observation that since we've been home I've been, "tourchering myself," by reading blogs, and emails.
I think of it more as therapy.
I've kept all of this pent up inside for fourteen months wanting to be the strong one. The pillar of strength for her and Matt's two older brothers.
I never wanted them to see my fear that he was in danger, and might not come home.
He's home.
And once I've released the deamons I'll be able to relax.
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'Dad,
ReplyDeleteRead your post and it certainly sounded familiar. Being in "labor" and not "management" I am a little more flexible. I got so tired of the whiners, I printed a "NO WHINE ZONE" on my computer and pinned it to the outside of my cubicle. When people would stop by and start in I just pointed to the sign. Lost a couple of friends (?) but, nobody complains to me anymore. I really do think my life is better for it.
The demons will be released, it just takes a little time.
G-d Bless
ABNPOPPA
I'm so happy for you and yours.
ReplyDeletePlease thank Matt and give him our best. You know I don't agree with the war, but the guys and gals fighting it are the best in the world. Take a deep breath and cry all you want, you sure as hell deserve it.
Bunny
Infantry Dad,
ReplyDeleteUnderstand completely your parental trauma. We are enjoying our son Jake's "leave" as he is off for a month. When he got home there was just too much chaos to really talk. Only another parent going through it can understand the fear you learn to live with every day they're in a war zone. Hang in there! It will get better. it will take Matt some time to decompress as well. You and yours are in our prayers.
Airborne Momma
Dad,
ReplyDeleteI have referenced your post over my way. I couldn't have said it better.
It does get better over time. In my case, it took way too long. Sort of a PSS .... parental stress syndrome.
Although not as often, the war does come in the house and sit at the dinner table on occasion.
Our best to Matt and your family.
Well, I expect your wife is decompressing in her own way too.
ReplyDeletePSS is probably right.
Take care.
'Dad,
ReplyDeleteSorry I forgot to mention it but the day is about over but HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!