Saturday, September 15, 2007

DEPRESSION

I have been struggling with a bit of depression and anxiety over my situation resulting in my lack of posting lately.
I apologize.
It is'nt that I don’t want to communicate.
I appreciate all the comments, and the emails from my many readers (all eleven of you if Technorati isn't wrong?)
CHECK IT OUT., inquiring as to my well being.
I suspect that due to multiple personality issue one of you is three or maybe four?
But that's fine with me.
If you see Sybil, give her my regards.

I seem to immerse myself in my work as it keeps my mind busy on things that I like to think about, rather than those that I would rather not.

I can’t recall ever being scared by anything.
I am sure scared now.
Those of you who have children know that when your children are hurt or bothered by something you want to fix it.
You check the closet and under the bed to assure them that the boogieman is not there.
You want to find a way to comfort them, and make their troubles go away?
I can’t fix this.
I can't chase this boogieman off.
I can't hug my son and tell him everything will be ok.
And that scares the bejeepers out of me.
I feel like I’m letting Matt down because I can’t be there to help him.
I worry about him being hurt, or scared, and alone. Without his mother, brothers and I there to support him.
I feel that I’m letting the whole family down because I can’t bring Matt home safe and sound.
It’s a helpless feeling.

No, I'm not suicidal. I have never run from a battle, I have rarely quit anything that I started. And I am not about to quit life.
Besides, I live in a ranch house.
No attic.
I don't have a garage.
While I collect pocket knives, and we certainly have a great assortment of cutlery in the kitchen.
I have no desire to cut myself.
Preferring to slice a nice juicy roast or steak, and the occasional turkey at certain times of the year.
My apologies to the vegans amongst my readers.

At any rate, that's what I've been dealing with.
Up until yesterday that is.
One last bit of news, while I’m on the bad stuff.
My 77 year old mom fell and broke her hip yesterday.
She was getting some laundry in, and slipped and fell.
The bone was broken in four places.
Luckily the paper man came along, she lives on a country road with only two neighbors, and she got his attention and he called for help.
I have been leaving her to take care of herself independently so as to insure that she did'nt become dependant on others in order to keep her sharp. I have seen so many older people just give up and let others do everything for them.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m always more than willing to help, when she needs it, but she’s been in such remarkable health, and so adamant about taking care of herself, that I haven’t had much to do.
That all changed yesterday.
The doctor put a plate and screws in to reattach the bones to her hip socket, and expect her to make a good recovery.
But I don’t think she’ll be able to live in her house.
Too many stairs.
We have been discussing selling her house, so she could buy one with everything on one floor.
She has'nt been vary receptive to that plan.
The doctor broke the news to her that she would probably have to spend some time in assisted care living for proper rehabilitation and she seemed to take it in stride.
We’ll see.
She has always been sincere about not being a burden on us.
I think she will have to change that attitude a bit.

I'm certain that brighter days are coming.


.

I'll close with the little prayer I use to help get me by,
God Bless our young men and women in harms-way.
Keep them safe.
Instill in them the knowledge that those who love them are there
beside them in spirit, suffering their losses and celebrating their
success.
Give them the courage to complete the task before them and bring them
all home to their loved ones soon.
Amen.



12 comments:

  1. I found your blog through Mohawk Chieftan. I can empathize with you and your worries about your son. My husband was in the Marine Corps for 13 years and just got out 3 years ago. Several tours to Iraq etc. All you can do is pray that he is safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    Semper Fi.

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  2. Hey Dad!!

    So glad to see a new post up! Sorry to hear about your mom. A little change is in order, both for her and for you....it'll certainly give you something new to think about and help you get out of that rut!

    Losing independence is hard. But there are worse things!

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  3. Hey, Dad. Thanks to my own bouts with PTSD, newly-diagnosed exposure to good old Agent Orange, accompanying problems with depression, hypertension, type II diabetes, cholesterol and who knows what else, I, too cut back on blogging. I'm also familiar with the screws, plate, pins, etc., in my own leg for many years now, so I do know how your Mom is now feeling and I understand fear, uncertainty, etc. I don't envy you, but things do actually get better, for the most part and, you can handle it; you're a big boy. And, speaking of really big boys, I have all the faith in the world, that your own son has the training, support and intelligence to see him thru the tough spot he is in. Pray, if you wish; hope, because you must, but don't lose faith. In no time, he'll be home to help you with Mom.

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  4. Hang in there, and whatever you do, don't resort to the stupid shit I do--the drinking and all. It's crap and I know it.

    Keep your eye on the prize.

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  5. Thanks Chief.
    I went through the whole depression shit after getting out myself.
    Sometimes it creeps back. I use to drink a LOT but the anxiety attack during hangovers scared the shit out of me.
    Now I rarely get drunk, though I still drink a fair amount.
    Moms going to be fine.

    Nigel, thanks for stopping by.
    Read the drinking part above.

    Mic, you got to do something about that computer. It's repeating itself.

    agin

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  6. I hear you about the depression thing...he knows you support him and his family will always be there for him. Hope your mother is doing better now, I know how frustrating it is moving your parent to a smaller house or home but in the end it will work out.
    Depression is just a state of being it can only consume you if you let. Stay strong!!!

    p.s. I enjoy reading your articles!

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  7. ok buddy, 10 comments means it's time for a new post!

    :-)

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  8. All righty then, but one of the comments wa actualy a reply, by me.
    Does that count?

    I was going to post a short one cause something is bugging me.

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